12764426_10208524224652339_5926205892466454775_o

I have questions that needs answers. Is love considered to be the moment when the sun goes down and the lights go off? Was love the moment he would sneak in my room, or was it the moment when my childhood was taken advantage of? My fears became nightmares, the shadows stopped whispering and felt like cold stares. The pain of him loving me became too much to bear he would sneak in my room, I was four years old, telling me to hold him because he claimed to be cold, whispered he loves me night after night. I was his sweet little girl while he slowly caressed my body while convulsing in fright introducing my mind, he would open my world to whole new type of light This love affair continued until my mind told my body that this wasn’t right.  Doing grown women things so young couldn’t be alright. Tried to tell someone, anyone to save me from this life innocence stolen, emotions steady rolling my body he would control and…. help me Jesus this can’t keep going.  Sex is the only thing I’m knowing. Is this love that this man was showing? It couldn’t be. That means he loved me since I was the age of three. The way he sucked on my body made me believe in order to be in love I have to give up all of me. Never understanding true love.  Losing all control to resist it. Fell in love with the attention and when he’s gone, I sort of missed it. Longing for the intimate touch, thought this was love now ain’t that twisted?  Blinded by the lies and what he had me feeling… confused, pain. Couldn’t tell him to stop… the consequences had me fearing. Penetrating my soul ripping my body wide open I can’t take this anymore please let me die! I kept praying, steadily hoping one day it stopped and I secretly watched him kiss her. I swore to God he would die if he did this to my sister. She was four, I was twelve he looked as if he couldn’t resist her.  I was prepared to take him to hell. Don’t touch, or kiss her not today mister.  I would personally slit his throat end him for committing highway robbery.  I let him use my body the way a sinner commits adultery.  Each day counting the days that God would end this life. When did a thirteen year old body become a grown ass man’s wife. No longer innocent, lost virginity was evident… mentally becoming unstable.  Teenage life becoming so irrelevant. Hormones raging, shutting down.  Pussy throbbing from the hurt of his existence.  This is love, I become convinced.  Keeping his focus on me to protect my sister’s innocence.  See I tell no tales the truth I can only tell.  Who believes a teenager?  She’s pregnant, she’s just a Jezebel.  Let’s handle this quick!  That’s not my baby, I can’t believe this shit.  Kill the baby it never happened.  Let’s ignore the fact that this whole situation is sick ignoring my rebellious cries… convinced everyone I was telling lies.  If I didn’t want it, “no” would have been the only answer.  Doesn’t matter how many times he tries.  Thought I wasn’t worthy…. He loves me so much that’s the only reason why he hurts me.  At 16 I finally escaped.  Was told I’m a seductress who seduces and deserved to be raped.  Learned one of life’s lessons that all things aren’t what they seem. 

Had to be my own hero, and real love will always be one of my biggest debates.